My job is to teach others how to make good decisions. When i make a bad decision, it can be very unnerving. One of the hardest things i have had to learn is not to put my feelings ahead of those i am working with. I have to decided weather or not i should bring something up, or, in this case, make a decision, it is hard to tell if i don't want to do something simply because it will make me uncomfortable or weather it is for their own good. so hard to tell the difference some times. I know i am only human, but i sure hate messing up. the stakes are so high when dealing with others lives. I feel like a cop or a firefighter, when i make a mistake, people may die. and the worst thing is that it will not be today or even tomorrow, but they may die.

I think i need my job description or job title changed. I am no longer a counselor, i have come to realize that i am a "edge-pusher-backer." every day i have people put in my lap who are quite literally, in every sense of the word, on the edge. They are living on that razor edge of life. they are at the end of everything and faced with one small step, not even a step, just a breath away from going off the edge into ..... I don't even know where, it is a place of nothing, of lost self and lost soul. I guess hell, but not bible school hell, a real hell here on earth. They find there way to me, poised with one foot in the air, and they look in my eyes with questions. they want to know where to put their step. And i grab and push. I try to hit with the power of a line backer but the grace of a priest. I strive for an inch, half an inch, anything just to get them back from the edge for one day. its my job, and i am growing into it, really well actually. but the thing about pushing people back from the edge is that you spend a lot of time there yourself. I spend a lot of time looking over the edge with people, looking into what they see ahead. I am O.K. with that, i think i am just now realizing really what i am doing. I don't know how long my balance will hold out, how long i can push, but i can for now. so i can think of nothing better to do then to push, and pray like mad i can balance on the edge, and keep pushing.